Heart of Europe

SwissScotSwap is on the cards

Following on from Nicola Sturgeon's highly successful EU diplomacy in Brussels last week the FM has been conducting innovative talks with Swiss President Johann Schneider-Ammann. The talks, referrred to as SwissScotSwap in diplomatic circles, will see Scotland brought geographically to the centre of the EU. We are indebted to the respected investigative media outlet Der Postillon (German) for breaking this vitally important story.

According to Der Postillon, a historic deal has been struck between the Scottish and Swiss governments: the two countries will swap their territories.

Switzerland can break from their EU encirclement, while Scotland will move into the heart of the EU following on from the Brexit vote. By the end of this year, 5.3 million Scots will move to the Alps and 8 million Swiss to Alba.

Plans are afoot in both countries to take down their national monuments to ready them for removal. Switzerland already has plans to re-design their new capital Edinbürgli and the population centre of Glasgau. In the meantime, the Scots work on plans for Zuraich and Bannockbern. Nessie, the famous monster, is going to be moved from Nesser Löchli (formerly Loch Ness) to Loch Fourforest (formerly Vierwaldstättersee/Lake Lucerne).

The Swiss are very happy about the deal, says President Schneider-Ammann:

"We will have a coast and won't have to deal with those pesky Germans anymore".

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon is enthusiastic after her first visit to Switzerland:

"For us Scots, this is the best possible solution; our Highlands will be higher than ever before and we will be in the centre of the EU".

Presumably, the Scottish negotiating team haven't mentioned anything about the weather or, even more crucially, midgies.

We have approached the Scottish Government to comment on persistent rumours that the talks were brokered by Noel Edmonds (pictured below, seated) but no-one was available prior to going to press.



Many thanks to Bettina Stemmler for bringing this story to our attention and to Elisabeth Schmitz for translating the source.


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